Interfaith vs. Same-Faith Marriages

Does faith compatibility really matter?

by Stephanie Wood

 

The Story of a Girl

One of my good friends – I’ll call her Samantha – was from the nicest, happiest, and one of the largest Catholic families I’ve ever met. Samantha was a great student, loved her family, and above all, loved her Catholic faith. She had one more love in her life: the boy who had grown up down the street from her – I’ll call him Michael. Michael was fun, caring, had a great sense of humor, and like Samantha, he loved big families and the outdoors. Unlike Samantha, however, Michael was the son of a Protestant pastor. Michael wanted to marry Samantha some day. He loved everything about her. Everything, that is, except for Samantha’s Catholic faith.              

Michael detested Catholicism. Especially throughout their high school and college years, he would frequently attack doctrines, dogmas, practices, and principles of Catholicism in front of Samantha. He would urge her to renounce her Catholic faith and convert to his denomination. He also refused to listen to Samantha’s explanations of Catholicism. Every night, with a troubled heart, Samantha prayed that Michael would come to understand her faith and convert to Catholicism. And each night Michael prayed the reverse for Samantha.  

During their college years, Michael and Samantha were more in love than ever. And yet, the gulf that separated their faith lives continued to grow. Samantha continually tried to convince herself that she loved Michael enough to overlook their interfaith differences. As long as Michael would allow her to baptize their children in the Catholic Church, she thought she could handle their faith diversity. And, deep down, she was convinced that after a few years of marriage Michael would decide to become a Catholic. 

As their relationship progressed, however, Michael became more antagonistic to Catholicism, not less so. Samantha finally realized that not only for her sake, but for the sake of her children, she was not willing to enter a marriage that compromised her Faith. During her last year of college, Samantha decided to permanently end her relationship with Michael. It was the most painful, heartbreaking decision of her life.  

Can this heartbreak be avoided?

You may be wondering if Samantha and Michael could have avoided their years of heartache and struggle leading to a dead-end relationship. The answer is yes. The way to avoid the heart wrenching struggles of faith incompatibility is to not enter a relationship or marriage with a person who does not share your faith.  

In his book The ABCs of Choosing a Good Wife, Stephen Wood writes: “If you are a person of strong faith, then you will want to guard your heart against starting a relationship with someone who isn’t in harmony with your beliefs.” He suggests developing a list of written standards and commitments as a first step in the process of choosing a husband or wife. Thus, you will avoid heartbreak by not allowing your heart to attach to someone who is not compatible with your beliefs.  

Do interfaith relationships ever work out?

It must be stated that there are many interfaith marriages that do not fail. As Wood states: “I’ve heard numerous testimonies of couples in interfaith marriages in which the strong faith of one spouse inspired a conversion experience in the other spouse. Many other interfaith marriages provide opportunities for increased respect, sensitivity, and understanding for each other’s beliefs. A number of these couples live happily ever after.”  

Thus, should we be indifferent about faith compatibility in our relationships? “To answer that question,” Wood continues, “you must carefully balance the many stories of successful interfaith marriages against those that didn’t end up happily ever after” (ABC Wife, p. 65). 

What about your children?

Children are the number one reason you want to have a shared faith with your spouse. As Wood notes, “to their surprise, many couples have a faith awakening experience after the birth of their first child. Before becoming parents, your different faiths may not seem like a big deal. Suddenly, you’re filled with questions: ‘will the baby be baptized?’ ‘In which church will the baby be baptized?’ ‘Where will the child be catechized?’ And out of nowhere, you start getting phone calls from in-laws expressing strong opinions on what should be done” (ABC Wife, 67).  

Between the writing of The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband, and its companion book, The ABCs of Choosing a Good Wife, a brand new study was released highlighting the affect of children on interfaith vs. same-faith marriages.  

USA Today released a study in December 2002, reporting on “The American Religious Identification Survey.” This was the first national survey of divorce rates among same-faith and mixed-faith parents. The survey discovered that the divorce rate of mixed-faith couples with children is three times higher than in same-faith households.  

The Story of a Family  

Several years ago, a friend introduced me to a homeschooling family in our community. There were six kids in the family – 3 girls and 3 boys. The mother was Catholic and the father was Baptist, and each spouse was strongly opposed to the other’s religion. When the couple began having children, they decided that all the girls would be raised Catholic like the mother, and all the boys would be raised Baptist like their dad. When each child turned 18, they could decide if they wanted to stay in their current church or convert to the other parents’ religion. My friend told me that the kids were pretty unhappy with their family’s religious situation, and were turning out most likely to choose no religion over their parent’s affiliations. It was a heartbreaking situation.  

Weigh what is important to you 

Is your Catholic faith deeply important to you? If so, then it should be a pre-requisite to any man or woman you enter a relationship with. Why risk incompatibility? Why risk the worst loneliness a man or woman can experience in life – a spouse with whom you cannot share your Faith. Think about sitting in church for the next forty or fifty years without your spouse by your side. Think about never praying together as a unified family. It was not without reason that St. Paul wrote: “Do not be mismated with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14).  

With One Heart and One Voice 

Let our prayer for each other be that, in God’s perfect timing, we will enter a holy, happy marriage with the spouse of our dreams, and that together our prayer each day will be:  

“May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one heart and one voice glorify the God and Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 15:6).